Austin Statesman Commentary: By Julia and Scott Starkey, Dec. 7, 2018 — In some ways, 10 years is a long time. In others, it’s gone in an instant. We were married in the fall of 1984. A decade later, we were busy raising two boys: Hayden, 6, and Carson, 4. Another 10 years later, these two happy and healthy young men were nearly ready to leave the nest and equipped to conquer the world.
Then, on December 2, 2008, everything changed. Less than two decades after Carson came into our lives, he died in San Luis Obispo, Calif., following a Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) fraternity hazing initiation ritual where he was compelled to drink large quantities of hard alcohol. Unresponsive, he was abandoned on a mattress. He was only 18.
In 20 minutes, the son we’d raised from an infant to a fine young adult was gone, for reasons we’d grapple with, come to peace with, and that ultimately would become our mission. It was a tragic and needless sacrifice — a wound that will never truly heal for our family. But, without question, it has opened our minds and hearts in ways that would change everything we knew and, unexpectedly, in ways that would illuminate what Carson’s life was about.
The part that makes his death so senseless was that his fraternity ‘brothers’ loaded him into a car to get help, but then turned back because they feared consequences.
Carson never woke up. But we did. As we privately coped with losing our child, a missing piece in preventing alcohol poisoning deaths began to reveal itself. The reason Carson did not wake up is because those young men — each of them goodhearted — did not have the fundamental knowledge or confidence to know how to do two exceedingly simple things: stay and call for help.
We learned it takes education early and often, it takes structure and enforcement, and it takes amnesty and hazing laws, as well as policies that remove the fear to intervene. But the critical ingredient is cultivating our inherent core value to help. Learning to assist one another is the sensible pathway for saving the most lives.
It’s hard to express what’s transpired in the past decade. We hesitate to say that it happened for a reason, but maybe the inverse is true: that Carson’s death created reason – to examine the circumstances and similarities, to connect with others, and to be a part of connecting the dots.
Our grief is ongoing, but what has become bigger than that is the optimism and commitment of hundreds of people that continue to step up to help.
Loss and time have granted us a deep sensitivity to the joy of helping others. Whatever “your cause” or tradition may be, we challenge you to devote yourself to those who the cause serves. Take yourself out of the equation. The result will be you finding more happiness and satisfaction than you ever could by doing something self-serving.
These intentions and Carson’s legacy initially became the nonprofit With Carson, then Aware Awake Alive, which last year our family gifted to Cal Poly University as the basis for WITH US: The National Network for Peer Accountability. We’re laying the foundation for fundamental change at a national level for how we equip young people to deal with the sexual assault, hazing, alcohol poisoning and hate bias they encounter.
Now our collective challenge is to remind our young people that they belong to each other and that they can leave no one behind. It is up to every one of you to pass this message along.
It has been said that “those we hold closest to our hearts never truly leave us. They live on in the kindness they have shared and the love they brought into our lives.” Carson lived life with urgency and we suggest you do as well. You never know what tomorrow may bring. So, bring it today.
Formerly of Austin, Julia and Scott Starkey now live in San Luis Obispo, Calif., where they advise WITH US. Carson was born in Austin and graduated from Austin High. Visit withus.org for more information.
